Untitled 2020

Bismilahirrahmanirrahim

Precisely 2334,

first page of new book, and I don't think there is much things to read on the first page, but somehow it feels kinda thrilling to keep continue reading.

I am in a good state lately, alhamdulillah and I must to say I am happy to get back to be alone again. So for the past a year (probably the toughest one), I did some stuffs in my life which I never expect I did, and I feels weird how the time actually flies so fast. I cannot say 2019 such a horrible year cause afterall Allah You helped me in every single way which I am too late to realise. Allah gave lots of opportunities that I never imagine to be happened in my life. Too bad I forgot to thank Allah for the health I have this year. I am that kind of person which not easily get sick and as much as I can recall, I am actually never had a bad fever this year. I do not have any serious health problem either the periodic or annual one.

I am actually wanna conclude this 2019 as a year of sincerity.

I barely move out of my bed at the end of week of December, and with a lot of struggle kinda, I am actually put my leg on the ground again and have shower and walk out to go to library which I always love, since that is the way how I might able to at least socialise myself, and at the same time isolating myself in the silent library listening to my favourite playlist and studying. Speaking about my sincerity of 2019, I learned a lot that I am actually have been putting that aside for a freaking long time. This sincerity never actually attached in my tiny soul, since I keep ignoring it, and I am not taking care it well. All I did was just putting it aside and keep laving it there outcasted. I found it Allah I found it.

This lack of my sincerity, leads me to also lacks of my gratitude which throw away all my positivity I have built since high school. I am actually honestly having a good feeling for this 2020 but somehow I am afraid and I know there might be bullets coming and stucking on my soul at some points, and I am so freaking afraid I will fall too long and I will keep burying myself in the bed with my imagination and my unrealistic life, I am afraid. The future always actually scares me  I don't know why. At this very moment I am wandering my fingers on the black keyboard, it feels like how to say this, nervewrecking? cause I am actually have this fear since the first page is almost done read. I wonder about the next next page but somehow, I am afraid .

Embracing all the fears I will try. I will try my best. I really want to do the best in my life I really wish I can atleast have that enough courage to try and just put on effort in it although it mught be as tiny as a single atom. Dude, who are reading, Happy New Year before its too late.  I wish this soul can be more brave, along with a great sincerity in everything. Allah, thank you for another year, and I am ready to flip to the next 364 pages of life You had wrote. Thank You Allah.

:'D

2355

Robin Hood

Malaysia.

americano?

caffè americano

So, it had been twice being destroyed, or thrice. My so called new story is ruined, but seems like normal for me already. Its seems worrying though, but idk what to do anymore. And also idk what exactly I need to do with this self. I have no idea. No inspiration, no spirit, just feels like lifeless as a conclusion. 

I feel actually tired in living, truly tired. I also dont know what is the reason I am still getting up and doing what I dont know why I do. People do struggling too I know, and its not only me struggling here, but somehow it feels so distinct in this world. I felt left alone, I felt so worthless. I have truly nothing to do in my life, simply just nothing to reach in my everyday, and I am even tired of trying to consume all those positive words people spit out in youtube or ig or any media social. I felt just nothing anymore. 

My life seems like a bland iced americano with the iced had melted well, all left just is a more blander black water, waiting to be thrown away. 

I felt like wanna spill myself too cause I am tired of sweating and still feeling useless. 

Hows everyones life anyway? I dontknow if somehow I just do not have those gratitude in life anyway, I also afraid of that. Seems like I just not being thankful of what I have...

I though this phase might be better sooner or later, but seems like nothing had change and just still the same. The americano still taste bland and still waiting to be spilled away, and finally thrown away known as trash. 

Life is trash for now. 

O' Lord, this is hard. 

I also don't know why. 

People around me seems tired too with all my emotional writings, since I am not die yet.

This writing seems like a little therapy instead of me just taking this breath away if I could.

and you those who might read this, I am sorry for another emo feelings like this but not dying yet. I also wish I will soon. Do pray for me. 

bye. 

M

Dear M,
I have a very weird feeling this one night.
I talked about you with a roommate.
I cannot sleep that night.
It was on 22nd of September as I can recall.
I was being too lazy that night.
I could not do anything.
I just keep on having this weird feeling.
I don't know this feeling irritate me.
I get annoyed, and frustrated out of sudden.
Yet we talked about you though.
Somehow, it made me feels a little bit better.
The night seems so early.
I got in bed and I kept wondering.
Where are you now?
What are you doing?
Are you finding a job already?
Are you asleep already?
Too bad I could not reach you, and nothing no more.

23rd September, I had class in the morning.
I was trying to just go and attend it.
I came smiling into the class and.
A friend approached and told me, that i might get a good news.
I was expecting its about you, but I don't like overreact.
I calm myself.
I asked my friend to send me the news instead of telling me.
I read.
and laughed.

25th September, I had a very long day.
I had class on 9am.
Class cancelled, and I got to have lunch in Cedo
The ocean looks nice.
Its so blue, and I felt blue too.
Got on my nerve, I laughed a lot there.
Talked with friends on lots of topics.
Literally, non-stop laughing out of everything.
You are in the topic too.
I guess I could just hold breath and smile.
Then, I had lab session for 3 hours.
Exhausted but thank god we finished earlier.
Three experiments were completed.
So, I thought I might need to go home.
Then, N asked if I want to join to library?
Easy peasy, ok I said.

It was almost 19.
We talked a lot in library.
Doing almost nothing.
Yet we did try to do something.
From 16,  we tried staying until 19.
We managed though.
I did go there to find a book.
and somehow.

Dear, maybe that was a sign from the weird feeling i had.
I don't know but no more anymore right.
Supposed to be the same lie.
I AM SURE.

Fictional for me might be a reality for you, and reality for you might be a fictional for me.

--You might found this kind of story a reality buddy, if you experience it. Yet its a fictional for me--

Its been a while

np// punchnello-Balcony
:

It was dark,
The night seems darker,
Its unusual.

At this hour,
I wonder, am I happy?
Well, couldn't find the answer for that,
can anyone actually did it?

np// CIKI-Syndrome

Its almost the end,
I have no more to be a part of it,
No idea if thats a good decision,
No idea what will they think of it,
Wait...
Did I just wonder on what people think?
Ok stop!

np// Rheehab-Peach(ft. Nason, Ripely)

I think I forgot your face,
I think the heart seems forget the feeling too,
Well, well,
Did I just do well?
Well, well,
I don't know baby.

Is it okay to say this?
I don't think its that hard,
to actually get over you, especially
when you are not around.
what a relief dude!

np// Giriboy-졸럽(ft. 죠지)(prod. C#000000)

"see you tomorrow"
How I wish someone might tell me this,
Too good no one ever,
Its not that bad though,
Lonely, alone, that is it.
No more anyone,
No more ...
끝!

BEWARE!
You might get addict to that;

WHAT?
that is alone.

np// Eptend-Neverland

I do woke up,
Once in your arm,
It felt good and I refuse to wake up.
I do woke up,
Now with no one,
It feels empty yet still refuse to wake up.
Let me just stay on this bed,
Let me just be with myself,
Let me just die.
In the morning, there is no more you.

np// 고영광xo!ntment-Ride(ft. Bumby, Lay.bn)

The car looks fancy,
Is it yours, can I ride in it too?
The bike is crazy,
Is it yours, can I be on it too?
 ------------------------------------------------
Nope, nope, nope,
Don's speak it out,
Don't be that.
Stay silent, stay with yourself,
Put it still in heart, and go away.
Leave!

np// Billie Acoustie, Yoon Sanha-Without knowing it all
:

This is not me, I don't like this,
You might think I like it,
but, for real, I am not
So, can we just skip to another one,
Or, should we just endure this,
Hold it and write it
That is all i guess.

LA FIN.

Fools

I am tiring even without trying

I am exhausting out of nothing

I am drowning in sinning

Allah, what a fool I am.

I always heard someone said, everyone is struggling but it is just not comforting me at all. I am being tired just because of myself and I don't really want to share with anybody, just because.

Lately, I have been into a very deep thinking, that force me to let the tears fall down the cheeks. I have been in a very unhelpful condition as what I can recall. I barely say I am good, or fine or doing great, and I have been learning about how to show the fake smile. Gampang.

Somehow Allah, today is quiet different. I don't really can tell what is the different. I just feel different. Like, I feel reborn and live again. So I am forcing myself into the deep thoughts again about whatever that happened, just so unexpected. I am being a complete fool and empty.

Allah, I feel empty with no reason. It is so easy to tell people that I am good, but me never told that to myself, just because I cannot tell lie even a slight one to myself. Lying to my inner self just makes me feel horrible and my mind will be in a complete mess.

Giving up is an option for me, yet it is hard for me to ask myself to do that. Surviving is hard, and giving up just as hard.

People often talk about depression in this era, which I don't really know if someone really being in depress situation or just acting it up, just because it's kind of being a trend now. While, the experts in this thingy may remind people to not taking this depression lightly, as it may cause death or should I say a suicidal case.

I always wonder, am I being depressed?

and I am tired of wondering, so I just give up on it, and I don't really care about it. Seems worrying? I know right.

I am a total fool, as being an ignorant is just so me. I am growing older, and often ignoring lots of things in my life including my heart as well, my future, my vision, my mission, my positive vibes, and importantly my soul.

I am alive. This fool is still breathing though.

Surely because, I am being 100% fool of just being myself, but I almost forgot this 100% thing that,

The one who made me breathing until this moment I am writing again, is never a fool. Indeed, not a fool.

Human. That is what I am. That is what I am suppose to be, That is what I really need to be. That is what I am exactly. That is what I am trying to be. That is hwat I am struggling to be.

A human.

A fool one.

"What if we ruin it all, we live like fools" -Lauren-

Lelah . Kembali

Berikan seribu metode dan solusi
Aku akan tetap begini

Ke mana lagi hendak lari
Ku hanya mengejar bayang sendiri
Penat aku Tuhan, tersungkur luka kembali
Lelah ku tahan, nafsu kian mentadbir hati
Parahnya rebah, terus ke bumi
Ku kira hilang semua, ku hilangkan nyawa
Bertanya kenapa aku, diuji semula
Aku lupa Tuhan, aku masih hamba

Sebebas apa ku rasa hilang dari dosa
Aku tetap kembali, menegur mesra
Nafsu lama terpenjara, kian bermaharajalela
Penat aku Tuhan, harapkan nafas tiada sudah
Aku diam,
Kepala dihentak, menyesal tak sudah
Aku benci dia diriku lebih dari segalanya
Yang kupinta cuma hilang selamanya
Biar tiada lagi ku diuji sedemikian rupa 

Penat aku Tuhan ...

Jernih membasahi, mengalir perlahan
Saksikanlah Tuhan, 
x

Hati ditepuk, dipujuk,  lemah dayaku

Indahnya caraMu Tuhan, ku cuba bertahan

Langkah dipaksa, kembalinya aku

Saksikanlah Tuhan,

aku di sini ingin kembali,

Sungguh, Kau lebih tahu dan mengerti  

perdido

Losing myself, here I am

for another thousands times,
surviving, here I am

for another blink of eyes,
breathing, here I am

for another slight chance,
living, here I am

for another glance,
indeed its sparkling

still trying while dreaming
when is the day i will be dying

here I am ...
losing

in between

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim 

Alhamdulillah again for another day 

So its been a long long long freaking long time I didnt write, well... I am busy of sinning and those stuffs that ruined my life.

So, speaking about busy of being too much dirty, I just have the feeling on why not writing again as to be looked decent? oh yes bury myself. Okay people, or single dude whoever read this lol, I actually not having any idea what to talk about. 

Okay let start this thingy with a question, like I always think of lately, nah its just in a day i thought about it though, ermmm 

"Is that possible to have the feeling of calm and horrible at the same time?"

Okay let's end this post, so you guys can think of it and do share in the comment box lol. Haha okay bodoh tak lawak. 

********** (its 10 stars, i count it lol)

"Oh damn! what a freaking boring sunday, plus i am freaking have no mood to study or even get up of the bed" 

*sigh*

*rolling on the bed*

*talking to pillow as having  a sleep partner*

*realising 4 hrs is wasted*

*sigh*

*rolling again*

*asleep*

*awake*

*phone scrolling*

*sigh*

What a lifeless!

"Adam, lepak jom!"

"Malas"

"okay, kitorang gerak dekat tempat biasa, feel free to join kalau kau dah buat dosa"

"bodoh, aku taubat dululah, karang aku dtg"

"ciao"

"k"

*getting up, towel grabbed*

*sigh, in bathroom*

As the water touches the sinful skin, the coziness is felt ... wishing it would not go away forever, yet realised, the fire indeed will burn the skin someday. What a meaningless life, what a boring life, what a useless self of mine. 

45 minutes in shower, thinking too deep huh and keep sighing.

"Another life huh"

"Sejuk gila nak mati pula even dah nak dekat zuhur ni"

*putting on white supreme shirt and denim jeans * 

*zuhr performed*

"Assalamualaikum ...., Assalamualaikum .... "

Lips zipped, neither words nor duaas said, yet heart seems like speaking to itself, asking the dearself why why and why, again and for another chance of living, again asking why ... ever realising yet again falling. Damn i hate myself! 

Silent...

Allah, what is this feeling?

I feel fine doing these sins, and feel terrible as well

Allah, what actually is this feeling?

I knew you watched, yet I am doing it

Allah, what is this feeling?

I feel calm and intensely wanting to die immediately

Allah, what sign of this?

I am smiling while sinning

Allah, what is this feeling?

Why I am not crying?

Allah, am I dying?

Allah, is the heart is suffering?

Allah, is imaan still surviving?

Allah, is the light is dimming?

The prayer mat is starred, no blink at all for some seconds, as the heart keep talking to the inner self, 

FOR REAL!!! heart is getting hardened, 

FOR REAL!!! heart is struggling

FOR REAL!!! tears wont fall down ya Rabb,

FOR REAL!!! 

*failed crying*

*getting up of the mat*

*hair fixed... car keys reached...*

*room leaved*

The phone is turned on, 2.13pm displayed on the screen and its Monday.

" Wey dam, mana kau, join ke tak ?"

"Hello Mal! I'm on my way, jgn gerak lu. 10 mins I'll be there"

Engine started, and the car moves out of the parking area. Driving like wanting to die is the best thing to do, as heart feels not so well and the reason is nowhere to be found. The feeling of uneasy trapped the heart, calmness is losing its way, I'm in anger out of sudden, cursing as much as I want to. All those shotty thingy popped out of the lips, no wise words thought, no patience appeared, no aware of anything that could happened. 

*phone is ringing*

"Ha mangkuk! aku drive ni, jap lagi sampai"

"Eh bodoh punya Mal ni x reti nak sabar bahlul"

"aduh mamat tak reti bagi signal ni minta kena sunat lagi"

Clear! and slowly car is drove into the right junction while lips still cursing on mamat nak kena sunat tadi. but then, in a second,

bammmm!!! car crashed, its blurry, feels like i was blind for a moment, and yes, 

now everythings dark. 

Nothing left. 

the only thing i could hear is the last beat of the heart as the eyes closed.

..... too deep inside its appear 

"Allah"

.....as a drop of tear is falling.

**********

"They who believe, and do not mix their belief with injustice - those will have security, and they are [rightly] guided" (6:82)

əˈnänəməs

Hey you out there
Could you just stay?
Hey you out there
Could you be real?
Hey you out there
Would you appear someday?

In agony I am holding on
You have been far away
In tears I am walking again
On those roads with no proper way
Hating myself, that I am here exactly
No intend to stop waiting, You
who will never realising

Kill myself of keep trying
Fool myself of keep missing
Bury myself of keep loving

Hey you out there
No words may precisely tell
The secrets I am keeping
The poems I am writing
The one I always dreaming

Out of my mind
Its just all about you
The one I knew
I will never own

This heart never give a sign to stop wonder
What is the actual you
This heart never wish to stop either
Knowing you which I never totally know

Bodoh

Bertahan ku tetap harungi
Pedih perit ku tetap berlari
Takut aku dikejar mati
Lemah iman rosaknya tersembunyi
Tiada berbunyi
Tiada yang menyedari
Ku rapuh jatuh lagi
Buat ke sekian kali lagi lagi dan lagi
Diri ini dizalimi sendiri
Turutnya kerana nafsu serakah didampingi
Akalnya hilang mencari-cari

Aku kini apa aku tidak tahu
Bila masanya aku mula tersungkur jatuh
Membawa diri ke jurang yang tiada utuh
Namun sedar bila waktu telah lalu
Bila aku sudah mencapai apa yang ku mahu
Ya malangya hanya itu
Ku hanya tagih maraknya nafsu
Jiwa dunia sementara juga yang aku patuh
Bodohnya mengikut menyeksa aku

Falling

The rain won't stop

Seems like feeling how hard I am trying

For you who do not even exist

Tears flow in the coldest mist ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*****

Jodoh jangan ditolak ke sana, kerna itu juga perancangan si Dia buat penuhi fitrah si binasa. Namun harapnya kita kawal perasaan yang tidak semena-mena. Ya aku berkata kerana aku tak mampu buat dengan sepenuhnya, harap si pembaca mendapat hikmah dan apa salahnya kita cuba bersama. Aku manusia biasa, nafsu serakah fitrah aku sebagai hamba.

Nafsu, jangan biar dia yang mengawal kita, kelak iman tiada guna semuanya. Ibadah kita akan rasa bagai tidak tersapa, malah lupa Dia Maha Pengasih Pemurah. Hatta ada yang berputus asa bagai dunia sudah bertemu akhirnya, dan kerap lupa kita takkan mampu redha dengan peritnya azab neraka, lalu mengapa perlu berputus asa? 

Redha, jangan diredha pada maksiat yang bagai tiada hentinya. Sesalilah hingga pipi basah dengan air mata, atau paling tidak pun usahalah kesalkan jiwa yang makin leka, moga kita sentiasa peroleh belas kasihNya yang sungguh tiada tandingannya. Sebelum matahari bertukar arah terbitnya, mengapa perlu merasa hina sedangkan taubat langsung tidak ditutup pintunya, ya sungguh sebelum an-naba' tiba, mari kita melangkah walau setiap inci tubuh bermaksiat seluruhnya.

Maksiat, jangan di cuba walau untuk sekali cuma, sumpah aku katakan kita menyesal tidak tertahan tangisan nantinya, hendak menjerit dibuatnya bila sudah sedar, Dia lihat kita buat semua.

So, I am kinda reminding dearself to control rasa dalam jiwa ni sebab benda ni related dengan banyak perkara-perkara rohani dalam tubuh dan banyak lagi sebenarnya. I have to admit I never feel so much love on someone like this (family is exceptional) because I dont even have any idea. Bercinta tidak salah, minat dia dia dan dia tidak salah, tapi biarlah kita usahakan, pujuk iman untuk ikutkan jalan syariah. Berpada-pada dalam perasaan buat yang bakal binasa dan tidak pasti tibanya. Harapnya kita terus kuat mencari jalan yang lebih memperoleh redha.

*****

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Its hard to know and describe when you cannot express the feeling inside,

Hard trying in fading it away, yet its getting even harder today

Is it hard maybe?

It is hard for me indeed

For me to keep ignoring

The feeling that wont faded away

My heart will keep wandering

And there would be no chance anyway

To meet you in where i still standing

Even for another decades of living

I will for sure keep loving

You who i wish keep writing

Although the world knew you changing

You still the one my heart had falling

Small Heart

'Mom, i am afraid i cannot grow up. Look how small I am now'

'Mia, you were a baby before, then look at you now...'

*silent*

I ran up to the living room of the small house we had after got a relief of what i am worrying about.

I do had such insecurities when I was a child, as all cousins who have same age with me are bigger and taller than me. Yet mom will always be mom. Simple words put a smile on my face, and the small heart of mine becomes delighted out of sudden. Feeling happy knowing that I may grow bigger, I may get taller just like the others.

'Zam, wanna join me tomorrow, early in morning ?'

He just shook his head, as he just don't interest to join mom .

and I was like, ' Mom, what will you do tomorrow ? I wanna join. '

*She explains what I need to do*

So, before bed, I put a mindset to wake up earlier than usual to join my mom. The curiousity of a little me was enormous. Even I cannot understand so much well about most of things my mom told, but still i did have interest to join her.

Its a cozy night. Little me sleeping on a not too thick mattress i had, on a floor. Mom woke me up. Its almost 4.

'Mia, wake up! wake up ! ' while shaking my body slowly. 'Mia, wake up, come on ! It's time to wake up, you said you wanna join me right ? Come on! Go wash your face'.

Sleepy yet the curiousity kills everything ... A 7 year old me woke up and quickly washed my face, and went to my mom who was waiting for me. As no one in the living room, hence, we were there at that moment.

* The night before, my mom asked , 'Would you dare to join me? I am afraid you will get tired. We will kneel down for a long time.  '

and me was like, 'I am fine. I will be fine' *

That night was so calm. No ones there except me and my mom. I just kept following her stood up, as she kneel down, i did the same things too.We did the same things again and again. I was staying still with excitation joining my mom did those things when everyone is sleeping. No thoughts of fedding up, no signs to sleep again, nothing can beat my curiosity.

and yea, that was me before.

I wish to be just that small, whereas I cannot understand a lot of things, and keep being curious on everything, and still do not care on whatever comes around me.

and yea, that was me before.

Mom; she taught me a lot of  things since I was a kid, wishing i can be a better daughter of her. She does looks me better in everything, yet I am not. I kept betraying her and dad. In my everyday life, moms not there anymore, and I never expect the curiosity in myself kills me finally as I grew older .As this time, its not mom who help me to get out from all of those curiosities i had, it is myself who help me out

but,

I did it wrongly and

finally it destroys me

finally it suffers me

finally it kills me

. . .

It is a good way to be better when we realised it from mistakes we did. I ever did, and yeah it is suffering, and hurting us more than we can imagine. It feels like we are stabbed by millions of swords from inside, and all those swords just got stuck and cannot pass through the skin. Later then, it will remain stuck there.

Dunya,

if you willing to stay happy without any bullets come through the way you are, then you may. But at the end, you may get the same thing as well, Dunya and always we forget that Dunya will destroy at last. All mountains will crashed, all animals will died as well as us, all death people will be awakened from their sleep, all deeds will be counted, all taubahs are refused, and all of us will be gathered to a place when there are no more hills and seas, no more high and low, the only things left is just us with our deeds. Running, rushing, worrying about the day happened, we are suffocating, seeking help and pity, wishing we can have more time to do everythings we forget always.

 " And I did not create jinns and mankind except to worship Me" [51:56]

The Phase

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Alhamdulillah, after a long long days i never write in this blog as i dont have any idea on what to do, and what to mumble of as well as i didnt getting well in my teen life. Sins getting attached into heart and im having downs and depressions just bcs of myself. Okay, enough about how sinful i am.

Alhamdulillah, i am still here writing. I dont have idea actually but the feeling of recharge was here. So, why not express it all out. Alhamdulillah i cannot thank much enough on what i have been experiencing now. Allah still give me life and breath, still give me legs and hands, still giving me chances to change, as growing older as teen, curiousity on my mind getting wilder, and i never ever thot it was getting wilder and wilder again and again, till finally i am in the deepest sea in the darkest night, where i couldnt find myself anymore, i cannot even describe about how bad situation i have now, how sinful my life going on, how terrible my heart right now, how much i getting too friendly with the nafs a lot, i dont know who i am from now. Every day i woke up, and realise, i am still breathing. Why  am still breathing? No i never ask myself that, get up of the bed, and have shower. Its super cold, yet everything feels fine. Dress up for class, and walking across the road. Looking at those people, i always wish to live normally like them, i always wish i am not who i am rite now, i always wish. Another day, i woke up...

Cozy morning, the routine keep going, and i keep staring all the road in front. Mind keep reminding, and again i was realising, O' Lord i am still alive. In the bus, sitting. Scenery catched my eyes, and again, mind brings me to another phase of being me, the phase where i wish i have it for the rest of my life, where i can be as normal as another human, with pure in and out of myself.

Zip opened, grabbing the glowy green beads, counting as well the lips moving, i am saying. Again, i was realising, O'Lord i am still alive. The time keeps running, the coziness felt so well that morning, dews chasing to each other going down the window, and at the end ive been there, where i wanted to always be, where i need to be, where i used to be, where i ever dream to be, again i was realising, O'Lord, i am still alive.

Heart beating as fine as it always be, the peace start visible, everything seems so well in my heart, the feeling like i am reaching a super big comfy area, and nothings there except me and the calmness itself, my heart feels better, after centuries it was trapped in the jail of sins and foolness of myself, i am finally there, again i was realising O'Lord, i am still alive.

The fingers keeps counting the greeny beads in bag, and the face feel warm and without realising, the warmth filling my soul, and i was realising, O'Lord i am still alive.

All the sins i commit, i always put hope on Him. All the hardships ive been through to get out of this dirty life, i always being positive on Him, All the fed up i ever thinking of, I never wanna stop trying, Heart keeps saying,

"you think your sins are big enough" ?

"yeah you may realise that, yet never forget another thing, 

His Mercy... its not infinity, its uncountable"

Crying...

yes I am

and again I am realising, O'Lord i am still alive.

'So, which favor of your Lord you want to deny' ?

Fantasi Diri

Ku kenal baru nak masuk 4 tahun

Walaupun bukanlah pada alam nyata

Yang kadang aku tidak pernah endah

Tak ! Sepanjang masa sebenarnya

Aku tidak pernah kisah

Kau ada di sana

Walaupun di mana entah

Dalam negara atau di luar sana

Di tempat yang sukar kau temu teman seagama

Cuma, harapku,

Kau tidak asma sudah

Sekalipun tidak pernah bersua

Namun rasa tetap sama

Malah, makin suka

Entahlah kenapa

Sukar untuk ku buang rasa ini

Meski aku tak kenal kau

Kau tak kenal aku

Kerna apa yang jadi utama hanyalah

Kau ada cinta

Di sini, di lubuk hati 

Di dalam fantasi diri 

Aku Kau

Aku

Bukan Aku Tak Tahu

Namun Kadang Tak Mampu

Ingin Membalas Segala Hujahmu

Ya , Kau Yang Penuh Ilmu

Aku Masih Lemah

Tiada Apa Apa

Yang Ada Cuma Pengetahuan Sekecil Cuma

Itupun Bukannya Bab Bab Agama

Yang Korang Jadikan Topik Cerita

Aku Masih Lemah

Tiada Apa Apa

Yang Ada Hanya Jiwa Yang Tak Sekuat Mana

Masih Bertatih Menuju Yang Esa

Aku Masih Lemah

Tiada Apa Apa

Yang Ada Hanya Kasih Yang Tidak Pernah Terserlah

Buat Manusia Di Luar Sana

Kerana Aku Tidak Punya Apa Apa

Untuh Dikenangi Oleh Mereka Semua

Aku

Lemahku Kadang Menguatkan

Lemahku Kadang Membangkitkan Hati Yang Rapuh Seolah Tiada Harapan

Lemahku Kadang Menaikkan  Semangat  Dalam Perjuangan

Suatu Perjuangan Yang Sering Diusahakan

Walaupun Timbulnya Dugaan Cabaran

Kerna Itulah Kehidupan

Kau

Aku Tak Sehebat Engkau

Yang Fasih Bila Berkata , Yang Disegani Bila Memula Bicara

Yang Ilmu Agama Tersemat Erat Di Dada

Kau

Aku Tak Sekuat Engkau

Yang Mampu Menahan Cacian Makian

Walaupun Tidak Berteman

Kau Sedar Masih Adanya Tuhan

Kau

Jangan Terus Biarkan Aku Di Sini

Aku Yang Masih Belum Mampu Berdiri

Aku Yang Kadangnya Nafsu Membelenggu Diri

Aku Yang Masih Dalam Kehidupan Jahiliah Ini

Kerna Aku Juga Rindu Jalan Ini

Jalan Yang Seharusnya Ditempuh Bukan Secara Solitari

Namun  Perlu Angkatan Yang Sentiasa Teguh Menanti

Dalam Mencari Redha Kasihnya Ilahi

Agar Nanti

 Tiadalah Si Dia Yang Jatuh Sendiri-Sendiri

Tiadalah Si Dia Yang Lari Dari Ilahi

 Tiadalah Si Dia Yang Takut Untuk Berdiri Kembali

Agar Tiadalah lagi Si Dia Yang Beralih Pergi

Meninggalkan Kasih Suci Abadi Ilahi 

Kau

" Sahabat 

Hadirmu di saat aku keliru 

Di saat aku tiada hala tuju 

Di saat hanya termenung yang aku mampu 

Namun hadirmu bukan sia-sia

Sebaliknya ditentukan dengan bijaksana

Oleh Pencipta Yag Maha Esa 

Untuk membimbing aku ke jalanNya

Sahabat 

Aku pinta padamu

Untuk terus dan terus bimbing diriku 

Jangan terus biarkan aku 

Lalai dan leka melayan nafsu

Sungguh

Hadirmu membawa cahaya

Membawa bahagia

Menghilangkan duka

Mengubati jiwa nan lara

.....

Andai suatu ketika 

Aku terpesong dari jalan ini

Peganglah , lalu tarik aku kembali

Bawalah aku ke jalan Ilahi 

Untuk bersama melangkah ke Firdausi

Ukhwah ini 

Lebih indah dari bunga di taman 

Lebih manis dari lautan madu 

Lebih terang dari sinar menari 

Lebih berwarna dari pelangi 

Sahabat 

Sematlah di hati 

Ada sahabat yang merindu

Walau terpisah beribu batu 

Walau dugaan bertalu-talu

Kau akan sentiasa di sini , 

Sebagai sahabat 

yang sentiasa di sisi  "

Qiden