'Mom, i am afraid i cannot grow up. Look how small I am now'
'Mia, you were a baby before, then look at you now...'
*silent*
I ran up to the living room of the small house we had after got a relief of what i am worrying about.
I do had such insecurities when I was a child, as all cousins who have same age with me are bigger and taller than me. Yet mom will always be mom. Simple words put a smile on my face, and the small heart of mine becomes delighted out of sudden. Feeling happy knowing that I may grow bigger, I may get taller just like the others.
'Zam, wanna join me tomorrow, early in morning ?'
He just shook his head, as he just don't interest to join mom .
and I was like, ' Mom, what will you do tomorrow ? I wanna join. '
*She explains what I need to do*
So, before bed, I put a mindset to wake up earlier than usual to join my mom. The curiousity of a little me was enormous. Even I cannot understand so much well about most of things my mom told, but still i did have interest to join her.
Its a cozy night. Little me sleeping on a not too thick mattress i had, on a floor. Mom woke me up. Its almost 4.
'Mia, wake up! wake up ! ' while shaking my body slowly. 'Mia, wake up, come on ! It's time to wake up, you said you wanna join me right ? Come on! Go wash your face'.
Sleepy yet the curiousity kills everything ... A 7 year old me woke up and quickly washed my face, and went to my mom who was waiting for me. As no one in the living room, hence, we were there at that moment.
* The night before, my mom asked , 'Would you dare to join me? I am afraid you will get tired. We will kneel down for a long time. '
and me was like, 'I am fine. I will be fine' *
That night was so calm. No ones there except me and my mom. I just kept following her stood up, as she kneel down, i did the same things too.We did the same things again and again. I was staying still with excitation joining my mom did those things when everyone is sleeping. No thoughts of fedding up, no signs to sleep again, nothing can beat my curiosity.
and yea, that was me before.
I wish to be just that small, whereas I cannot understand a lot of things, and keep being curious on everything, and still do not care on whatever comes around me.
and yea, that was me before.
Mom; she taught me a lot of things since I was a kid, wishing i can be a better daughter of her. She does looks me better in everything, yet I am not. I kept betraying her and dad. In my everyday life, moms not there anymore, and I never expect the curiosity in myself kills me finally as I grew older .As this time, its not mom who help me to get out from all of those curiosities i had, it is myself who help me out
but,
I did it wrongly and
finally it destroys me
finally it suffers me
finally it kills me
. . .
It is a good way to be better when we realised it from mistakes we did. I ever did, and yeah it is suffering, and hurting us more than we can imagine. It feels like we are stabbed by millions of swords from inside, and all those swords just got stuck and cannot pass through the skin. Later then, it will remain stuck there.
Dunya,
if you willing to stay happy without any bullets come through the way you are, then you may. But at the end, you may get the same thing as well, Dunya and always we forget that Dunya will destroy at last. All mountains will crashed, all animals will died as well as us, all death people will be awakened from their sleep, all deeds will be counted, all taubahs are refused, and all of us will be gathered to a place when there are no more hills and seas, no more high and low, the only things left is just us with our deeds. Running, rushing, worrying about the day happened, we are suffocating, seeking help and pity, wishing we can have more time to do everythings we forget always.
" And I did not create jinns and mankind except to worship Me" [51:56]