Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Alhamdulillah, after a long long days i never write in this blog as i dont have any idea on what to do, and what to mumble of as well as i didnt getting well in my teen life. Sins getting attached into heart and im having downs and depressions just bcs of myself. Okay, enough about how sinful i am.
Alhamdulillah, i am still here writing. I dont have idea actually but the feeling of recharge was here. So, why not express it all out. Alhamdulillah i cannot thank much enough on what i have been experiencing now. Allah still give me life and breath, still give me legs and hands, still giving me chances to change, as growing older as teen, curiousity on my mind getting wilder, and i never ever thot it was getting wilder and wilder again and again, till finally i am in the deepest sea in the darkest night, where i couldnt find myself anymore, i cannot even describe about how bad situation i have now, how sinful my life going on, how terrible my heart right now, how much i getting too friendly with the nafs a lot, i dont know who i am from now. Every day i woke up, and realise, i am still breathing. Why am still breathing? No i never ask myself that, get up of the bed, and have shower. Its super cold, yet everything feels fine. Dress up for class, and walking across the road. Looking at those people, i always wish to live normally like them, i always wish i am not who i am rite now, i always wish. Another day, i woke up...
Cozy morning, the routine keep going, and i keep staring all the road in front. Mind keep reminding, and again i was realising, O' Lord i am still alive. In the bus, sitting. Scenery catched my eyes, and again, mind brings me to another phase of being me, the phase where i wish i have it for the rest of my life, where i can be as normal as another human, with pure in and out of myself.
Zip opened, grabbing the glowy green beads, counting as well the lips moving, i am saying. Again, i was realising, O'Lord i am still alive. The time keeps running, the coziness felt so well that morning, dews chasing to each other going down the window, and at the end ive been there, where i wanted to always be, where i need to be, where i used to be, where i ever dream to be, again i was realising, O'Lord, i am still alive.
Heart beating as fine as it always be, the peace start visible, everything seems so well in my heart, the feeling like i am reaching a super big comfy area, and nothings there except me and the calmness itself, my heart feels better, after centuries it was trapped in the jail of sins and foolness of myself, i am finally there, again i was realising O'Lord, i am still alive.
The fingers keeps counting the greeny beads in bag, and the face feel warm and without realising, the warmth filling my soul, and i was realising, O'Lord i am still alive.
All the sins i commit, i always put hope on Him. All the hardships ive been through to get out of this dirty life, i always being positive on Him, All the fed up i ever thinking of, I never wanna stop trying, Heart keeps saying,
"you think your sins are big enough" ?
"yeah you may realise that, yet never forget another thing,
His Mercy... its not infinity, its uncountable"
Crying...
yes I am
and again I am realising, O'Lord i am still alive.
'So, which favor of your Lord you want to deny' ?