perdido

Losing myself, here I am

for another thousands times,
surviving, here I am

for another blink of eyes,
breathing, here I am

for another slight chance,
living, here I am

for another glance,
indeed its sparkling

still trying while dreaming
when is the day i will be dying

here I am ...
losing

in between

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim 

Alhamdulillah again for another day 

So its been a long long long freaking long time I didnt write, well... I am busy of sinning and those stuffs that ruined my life.

So, speaking about busy of being too much dirty, I just have the feeling on why not writing again as to be looked decent? oh yes bury myself. Okay people, or single dude whoever read this lol, I actually not having any idea what to talk about. 

Okay let start this thingy with a question, like I always think of lately, nah its just in a day i thought about it though, ermmm 

"Is that possible to have the feeling of calm and horrible at the same time?"

Okay let's end this post, so you guys can think of it and do share in the comment box lol. Haha okay bodoh tak lawak. 

********** (its 10 stars, i count it lol)

"Oh damn! what a freaking boring sunday, plus i am freaking have no mood to study or even get up of the bed" 

*sigh*

*rolling on the bed*

*talking to pillow as having  a sleep partner*

*realising 4 hrs is wasted*

*sigh*

*rolling again*

*asleep*

*awake*

*phone scrolling*

*sigh*

What a lifeless!

"Adam, lepak jom!"

"Malas"

"okay, kitorang gerak dekat tempat biasa, feel free to join kalau kau dah buat dosa"

"bodoh, aku taubat dululah, karang aku dtg"

"ciao"

"k"

*getting up, towel grabbed*

*sigh, in bathroom*

As the water touches the sinful skin, the coziness is felt ... wishing it would not go away forever, yet realised, the fire indeed will burn the skin someday. What a meaningless life, what a boring life, what a useless self of mine. 

45 minutes in shower, thinking too deep huh and keep sighing.

"Another life huh"

"Sejuk gila nak mati pula even dah nak dekat zuhur ni"

*putting on white supreme shirt and denim jeans * 

*zuhr performed*

"Assalamualaikum ...., Assalamualaikum .... "

Lips zipped, neither words nor duaas said, yet heart seems like speaking to itself, asking the dearself why why and why, again and for another chance of living, again asking why ... ever realising yet again falling. Damn i hate myself! 

Silent...

Allah, what is this feeling?

I feel fine doing these sins, and feel terrible as well

Allah, what actually is this feeling?

I knew you watched, yet I am doing it

Allah, what is this feeling?

I feel calm and intensely wanting to die immediately

Allah, what sign of this?

I am smiling while sinning

Allah, what is this feeling?

Why I am not crying?

Allah, am I dying?

Allah, is the heart is suffering?

Allah, is imaan still surviving?

Allah, is the light is dimming?

The prayer mat is starred, no blink at all for some seconds, as the heart keep talking to the inner self, 

FOR REAL!!! heart is getting hardened, 

FOR REAL!!! heart is struggling

FOR REAL!!! tears wont fall down ya Rabb,

FOR REAL!!! 

*failed crying*

*getting up of the mat*

*hair fixed... car keys reached...*

*room leaved*

The phone is turned on, 2.13pm displayed on the screen and its Monday.

" Wey dam, mana kau, join ke tak ?"

"Hello Mal! I'm on my way, jgn gerak lu. 10 mins I'll be there"

Engine started, and the car moves out of the parking area. Driving like wanting to die is the best thing to do, as heart feels not so well and the reason is nowhere to be found. The feeling of uneasy trapped the heart, calmness is losing its way, I'm in anger out of sudden, cursing as much as I want to. All those shotty thingy popped out of the lips, no wise words thought, no patience appeared, no aware of anything that could happened. 

*phone is ringing*

"Ha mangkuk! aku drive ni, jap lagi sampai"

"Eh bodoh punya Mal ni x reti nak sabar bahlul"

"aduh mamat tak reti bagi signal ni minta kena sunat lagi"

Clear! and slowly car is drove into the right junction while lips still cursing on mamat nak kena sunat tadi. but then, in a second,

bammmm!!! car crashed, its blurry, feels like i was blind for a moment, and yes, 

now everythings dark. 

Nothing left. 

the only thing i could hear is the last beat of the heart as the eyes closed.

..... too deep inside its appear 

"Allah"

.....as a drop of tear is falling.

**********

"They who believe, and do not mix their belief with injustice - those will have security, and they are [rightly] guided" (6:82)