I am tiring even without trying
I am exhausting out of nothing
I am drowning in sinning
Allah, what a fool I am.
I always heard someone said, everyone is struggling but it is just not comforting me at all. I am being tired just because of myself and I don't really want to share with anybody, just because.
Lately, I have been into a very deep thinking, that force me to let the tears fall down the cheeks. I have been in a very unhelpful condition as what I can recall. I barely say I am good, or fine or doing great, and I have been learning about how to show the fake smile. Gampang.
Somehow Allah, today is quiet different. I don't really can tell what is the different. I just feel different. Like, I feel reborn and live again. So I am forcing myself into the deep thoughts again about whatever that happened, just so unexpected. I am being a complete fool and empty.
Allah, I feel empty with no reason. It is so easy to tell people that I am good, but me never told that to myself, just because I cannot tell lie even a slight one to myself. Lying to my inner self just makes me feel horrible and my mind will be in a complete mess.
Giving up is an option for me, yet it is hard for me to ask myself to do that. Surviving is hard, and giving up just as hard.
People often talk about depression in this era, which I don't really know if someone really being in depress situation or just acting it up, just because it's kind of being a trend now. While, the experts in this thingy may remind people to not taking this depression lightly, as it may cause death or should I say a suicidal case.
I always wonder, am I being depressed?
and I am tired of wondering, so I just give up on it, and I don't really care about it. Seems worrying? I know right.
I am a total fool, as being an ignorant is just so me. I am growing older, and often ignoring lots of things in my life including my heart as well, my future, my vision, my mission, my positive vibes, and importantly my soul.
I am alive. This fool is still breathing though.
Surely because, I am being 100% fool of just being myself, but I almost forgot this 100% thing that,
The one who made me breathing until this moment I am writing again, is never a fool. Indeed, not a fool.
Human. That is what I am. That is what I am suppose to be, That is what I really need to be. That is what I am exactly. That is what I am trying to be. That is hwat I am struggling to be.
A human.
A fool one.
"What if we ruin it all, we live like fools" -Lauren-