Untitled 2020

Bismilahirrahmanirrahim

Precisely 2334,

first page of new book, and I don't think there is much things to read on the first page, but somehow it feels kinda thrilling to keep continue reading.

I am in a good state lately, alhamdulillah and I must to say I am happy to get back to be alone again. So for the past a year (probably the toughest one), I did some stuffs in my life which I never expect I did, and I feels weird how the time actually flies so fast. I cannot say 2019 such a horrible year cause afterall Allah You helped me in every single way which I am too late to realise. Allah gave lots of opportunities that I never imagine to be happened in my life. Too bad I forgot to thank Allah for the health I have this year. I am that kind of person which not easily get sick and as much as I can recall, I am actually never had a bad fever this year. I do not have any serious health problem either the periodic or annual one.

I am actually wanna conclude this 2019 as a year of sincerity.

I barely move out of my bed at the end of week of December, and with a lot of struggle kinda, I am actually put my leg on the ground again and have shower and walk out to go to library which I always love, since that is the way how I might able to at least socialise myself, and at the same time isolating myself in the silent library listening to my favourite playlist and studying. Speaking about my sincerity of 2019, I learned a lot that I am actually have been putting that aside for a freaking long time. This sincerity never actually attached in my tiny soul, since I keep ignoring it, and I am not taking care it well. All I did was just putting it aside and keep laving it there outcasted. I found it Allah I found it.

This lack of my sincerity, leads me to also lacks of my gratitude which throw away all my positivity I have built since high school. I am actually honestly having a good feeling for this 2020 but somehow I am afraid and I know there might be bullets coming and stucking on my soul at some points, and I am so freaking afraid I will fall too long and I will keep burying myself in the bed with my imagination and my unrealistic life, I am afraid. The future always actually scares me  I don't know why. At this very moment I am wandering my fingers on the black keyboard, it feels like how to say this, nervewrecking? cause I am actually have this fear since the first page is almost done read. I wonder about the next next page but somehow, I am afraid .

Embracing all the fears I will try. I will try my best. I really want to do the best in my life I really wish I can atleast have that enough courage to try and just put on effort in it although it mught be as tiny as a single atom. Dude, who are reading, Happy New Year before its too late.  I wish this soul can be more brave, along with a great sincerity in everything. Allah, thank you for another year, and I am ready to flip to the next 364 pages of life You had wrote. Thank You Allah.

:'D

2355

Robin Hood

Malaysia.

americano?

caffè americano

So, it had been twice being destroyed, or thrice. My so called new story is ruined, but seems like normal for me already. Its seems worrying though, but idk what to do anymore. And also idk what exactly I need to do with this self. I have no idea. No inspiration, no spirit, just feels like lifeless as a conclusion. 

I feel actually tired in living, truly tired. I also dont know what is the reason I am still getting up and doing what I dont know why I do. People do struggling too I know, and its not only me struggling here, but somehow it feels so distinct in this world. I felt left alone, I felt so worthless. I have truly nothing to do in my life, simply just nothing to reach in my everyday, and I am even tired of trying to consume all those positive words people spit out in youtube or ig or any media social. I felt just nothing anymore. 

My life seems like a bland iced americano with the iced had melted well, all left just is a more blander black water, waiting to be thrown away. 

I felt like wanna spill myself too cause I am tired of sweating and still feeling useless. 

Hows everyones life anyway? I dontknow if somehow I just do not have those gratitude in life anyway, I also afraid of that. Seems like I just not being thankful of what I have...

I though this phase might be better sooner or later, but seems like nothing had change and just still the same. The americano still taste bland and still waiting to be spilled away, and finally thrown away known as trash. 

Life is trash for now. 

O' Lord, this is hard. 

I also don't know why. 

People around me seems tired too with all my emotional writings, since I am not die yet.

This writing seems like a little therapy instead of me just taking this breath away if I could.

and you those who might read this, I am sorry for another emo feelings like this but not dying yet. I also wish I will soon. Do pray for me. 

bye. 

M

Dear M,
I have a very weird feeling this one night.
I talked about you with a roommate.
I cannot sleep that night.
It was on 22nd of September as I can recall.
I was being too lazy that night.
I could not do anything.
I just keep on having this weird feeling.
I don't know this feeling irritate me.
I get annoyed, and frustrated out of sudden.
Yet we talked about you though.
Somehow, it made me feels a little bit better.
The night seems so early.
I got in bed and I kept wondering.
Where are you now?
What are you doing?
Are you finding a job already?
Are you asleep already?
Too bad I could not reach you, and nothing no more.

23rd September, I had class in the morning.
I was trying to just go and attend it.
I came smiling into the class and.
A friend approached and told me, that i might get a good news.
I was expecting its about you, but I don't like overreact.
I calm myself.
I asked my friend to send me the news instead of telling me.
I read.
and laughed.

25th September, I had a very long day.
I had class on 9am.
Class cancelled, and I got to have lunch in Cedo
The ocean looks nice.
Its so blue, and I felt blue too.
Got on my nerve, I laughed a lot there.
Talked with friends on lots of topics.
Literally, non-stop laughing out of everything.
You are in the topic too.
I guess I could just hold breath and smile.
Then, I had lab session for 3 hours.
Exhausted but thank god we finished earlier.
Three experiments were completed.
So, I thought I might need to go home.
Then, N asked if I want to join to library?
Easy peasy, ok I said.

It was almost 19.
We talked a lot in library.
Doing almost nothing.
Yet we did try to do something.
From 16,  we tried staying until 19.
We managed though.
I did go there to find a book.
and somehow.

Dear, maybe that was a sign from the weird feeling i had.
I don't know but no more anymore right.
Supposed to be the same lie.
I AM SURE.

Fictional for me might be a reality for you, and reality for you might be a fictional for me.

--You might found this kind of story a reality buddy, if you experience it. Yet its a fictional for me--