Bodoh

Bertahan ku tetap harungi
Pedih perit ku tetap berlari
Takut aku dikejar mati
Lemah iman rosaknya tersembunyi
Tiada berbunyi
Tiada yang menyedari
Ku rapuh jatuh lagi
Buat ke sekian kali lagi lagi dan lagi
Diri ini dizalimi sendiri
Turutnya kerana nafsu serakah didampingi
Akalnya hilang mencari-cari

Aku kini apa aku tidak tahu
Bila masanya aku mula tersungkur jatuh
Membawa diri ke jurang yang tiada utuh
Namun sedar bila waktu telah lalu
Bila aku sudah mencapai apa yang ku mahu
Ya malangya hanya itu
Ku hanya tagih maraknya nafsu
Jiwa dunia sementara juga yang aku patuh
Bodohnya mengikut menyeksa aku

Falling

The rain won't stop

Seems like feeling how hard I am trying

For you who do not even exist

Tears flow in the coldest mist ...

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*****

Jodoh jangan ditolak ke sana, kerna itu juga perancangan si Dia buat penuhi fitrah si binasa. Namun harapnya kita kawal perasaan yang tidak semena-mena. Ya aku berkata kerana aku tak mampu buat dengan sepenuhnya, harap si pembaca mendapat hikmah dan apa salahnya kita cuba bersama. Aku manusia biasa, nafsu serakah fitrah aku sebagai hamba.

Nafsu, jangan biar dia yang mengawal kita, kelak iman tiada guna semuanya. Ibadah kita akan rasa bagai tidak tersapa, malah lupa Dia Maha Pengasih Pemurah. Hatta ada yang berputus asa bagai dunia sudah bertemu akhirnya, dan kerap lupa kita takkan mampu redha dengan peritnya azab neraka, lalu mengapa perlu berputus asa? 

Redha, jangan diredha pada maksiat yang bagai tiada hentinya. Sesalilah hingga pipi basah dengan air mata, atau paling tidak pun usahalah kesalkan jiwa yang makin leka, moga kita sentiasa peroleh belas kasihNya yang sungguh tiada tandingannya. Sebelum matahari bertukar arah terbitnya, mengapa perlu merasa hina sedangkan taubat langsung tidak ditutup pintunya, ya sungguh sebelum an-naba' tiba, mari kita melangkah walau setiap inci tubuh bermaksiat seluruhnya.

Maksiat, jangan di cuba walau untuk sekali cuma, sumpah aku katakan kita menyesal tidak tertahan tangisan nantinya, hendak menjerit dibuatnya bila sudah sedar, Dia lihat kita buat semua.

So, I am kinda reminding dearself to control rasa dalam jiwa ni sebab benda ni related dengan banyak perkara-perkara rohani dalam tubuh dan banyak lagi sebenarnya. I have to admit I never feel so much love on someone like this (family is exceptional) because I dont even have any idea. Bercinta tidak salah, minat dia dia dan dia tidak salah, tapi biarlah kita usahakan, pujuk iman untuk ikutkan jalan syariah. Berpada-pada dalam perasaan buat yang bakal binasa dan tidak pasti tibanya. Harapnya kita terus kuat mencari jalan yang lebih memperoleh redha.

*****

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Its hard to know and describe when you cannot express the feeling inside,

Hard trying in fading it away, yet its getting even harder today

Is it hard maybe?

It is hard for me indeed

For me to keep ignoring

The feeling that wont faded away

My heart will keep wandering

And there would be no chance anyway

To meet you in where i still standing

Even for another decades of living

I will for sure keep loving

You who i wish keep writing

Although the world knew you changing

You still the one my heart had falling

Small Heart

'Mom, i am afraid i cannot grow up. Look how small I am now'

'Mia, you were a baby before, then look at you now...'

*silent*

I ran up to the living room of the small house we had after got a relief of what i am worrying about.

I do had such insecurities when I was a child, as all cousins who have same age with me are bigger and taller than me. Yet mom will always be mom. Simple words put a smile on my face, and the small heart of mine becomes delighted out of sudden. Feeling happy knowing that I may grow bigger, I may get taller just like the others.

'Zam, wanna join me tomorrow, early in morning ?'

He just shook his head, as he just don't interest to join mom .

and I was like, ' Mom, what will you do tomorrow ? I wanna join. '

*She explains what I need to do*

So, before bed, I put a mindset to wake up earlier than usual to join my mom. The curiousity of a little me was enormous. Even I cannot understand so much well about most of things my mom told, but still i did have interest to join her.

Its a cozy night. Little me sleeping on a not too thick mattress i had, on a floor. Mom woke me up. Its almost 4.

'Mia, wake up! wake up ! ' while shaking my body slowly. 'Mia, wake up, come on ! It's time to wake up, you said you wanna join me right ? Come on! Go wash your face'.

Sleepy yet the curiousity kills everything ... A 7 year old me woke up and quickly washed my face, and went to my mom who was waiting for me. As no one in the living room, hence, we were there at that moment.

* The night before, my mom asked , 'Would you dare to join me? I am afraid you will get tired. We will kneel down for a long time.  '

and me was like, 'I am fine. I will be fine' *

That night was so calm. No ones there except me and my mom. I just kept following her stood up, as she kneel down, i did the same things too.We did the same things again and again. I was staying still with excitation joining my mom did those things when everyone is sleeping. No thoughts of fedding up, no signs to sleep again, nothing can beat my curiosity.

and yea, that was me before.

I wish to be just that small, whereas I cannot understand a lot of things, and keep being curious on everything, and still do not care on whatever comes around me.

and yea, that was me before.

Mom; she taught me a lot of  things since I was a kid, wishing i can be a better daughter of her. She does looks me better in everything, yet I am not. I kept betraying her and dad. In my everyday life, moms not there anymore, and I never expect the curiosity in myself kills me finally as I grew older .As this time, its not mom who help me to get out from all of those curiosities i had, it is myself who help me out

but,

I did it wrongly and

finally it destroys me

finally it suffers me

finally it kills me

. . .

It is a good way to be better when we realised it from mistakes we did. I ever did, and yeah it is suffering, and hurting us more than we can imagine. It feels like we are stabbed by millions of swords from inside, and all those swords just got stuck and cannot pass through the skin. Later then, it will remain stuck there.

Dunya,

if you willing to stay happy without any bullets come through the way you are, then you may. But at the end, you may get the same thing as well, Dunya and always we forget that Dunya will destroy at last. All mountains will crashed, all animals will died as well as us, all death people will be awakened from their sleep, all deeds will be counted, all taubahs are refused, and all of us will be gathered to a place when there are no more hills and seas, no more high and low, the only things left is just us with our deeds. Running, rushing, worrying about the day happened, we are suffocating, seeking help and pity, wishing we can have more time to do everythings we forget always.

 " And I did not create jinns and mankind except to worship Me" [51:56]